The routines are simple things. Doing the dishes before going out the door to work in the morning. Working the crossword puzzles before going to sleep. Writing at around the same time each and every day. Eating in patterns (good or bad). Working out or not working out. It is a strange dance that seems to take over my life.
I'm not OCD, but I'm close. I can alter routines and drop them altogether. I just happen to like the comfort that I am provided by the routines themselves. It is one of the reasons I am so picky about traveling. I need to be able to adhere to the routine. I need that next hit just like an addict. I want to be able to do things but I want to be able to things the way I want to do them.
This is the next problem though. I like routines but I don't like to make a lot of decisions. I am very flexible and am willing to change what I do or when I do it, as long as I don't have to make a decision. I've been trying to get Cal to not agonize so much over the little decisions in life (chocolate or vanilla?) so that he will be able to make decisions throughout his adult life. I think the two things go together in some strange kind of symbiosis. They live off of each other in certain peacefulness that allows me to function in all types of situations.
I both have a schedule, yet have no schedule at all. I can do anything, or nothing at all. It allows me to be all that I want to be and to be all that others may need me to be, to a point. The downfall of all of this is when I don't want to break from a routine and don't want to make a decision. It is the passive-aggressive equivalent of a Molotov Cocktail. It is just danger waiting to happen. I usually swallow my pride and mope (I am famous for my mopes) but lately I've been able to steer clear of it all.
I know tomorrow I will donate blood. I know I'll do the dishes, but I'm not really sure what will go on after that. I know that my routine will guide me, or not.
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